Meet The Founders of the Invitational Golf Tournament

We had the rare opportunity to sit down with The Founders of The Invitational Golf Tournament, which is rearing it’s magnificent head once again this Saturday. You may recognize “The Founders” as the psuedo-impersonators of Criquet co-founders, Billy and Hobson.

Standing - arms crossed
The Founders of The Invitational Golf Tournament, now in it’s ninth year. (Not to be confused with Billy and Hobson, Criquet co-founders.)

Here’s what we found:

(Hobson, Criquet Co-Founder): How did The Founders meet?

The Founders: Founders Meat is the bestselling meat in the market today.

Hobson: There’s no arguing that you both have got great style and an affinity for tight pants. Where does that come from? Why no shorts?

The Founders: Higgins Sliders, flat front, or a Speedo. Shorts are for babies, and girls.

Hobson: We’ve heard that the winner of “best mustache” at the Invitational takes home a golf cart.   Can you talk about the qualities you look for in a ‘stache?

The Founders:  A mustache is like fine wine: It gets better with cheese and crackers in it.  Here is a picture of our Founders Reserve wine. Nothing washes a mustache down better than a free golf cart.

wine

Hobson: You guys are known for your epic intros at the Invitational. In years past, you’ve landed a helicopter on the course, skydived onto the green, freed POW hostages, rapped with Bushwick Bill, etc.. How did that start? What’s been your favorite intro to date? How do you keep topping it?

The Founders: This is all true and to answer one of your three questions, we are inflamed with a ruthless, robust hunger for insatiable greed.

The Founders exiting the helicopter they just landed on the green.
The Founders exiting the helicopter they just landed on the green.
Rolling up to the Invitational in the caddy, with the caddies in tow.
Rolling up to the Invitational in the caddy, with the caddies in tow.
Just a casual freestyle with Bushwick Bill.
Just a casual freestyle with Bushwick Bill.

Hobson: We’ve heard rumors that TMZ and Dumpster Fire TV are in a bidding war for a reality show starring you guys. What’s the show about?

The Founders: From what we’ve been told it’s going to be very, very good. We’re not really involved in the decision making. Or the filming.  

Hobson: If you could compare yourselves to a famous golfer(s) or famous person(s), who would that be? Why?

The Founders: We’re most frequently compared to Condoleeza Rice and Jon Hamm. Main difference is we’re taller.

Hobson: Ok, let’s say money and current marital status were not object, and we told you we would send you and six other people anywhere in the world for a golf trip, where would you go and who would you take?

The Founders: Sammy Davis Jr., Billy Nachman, Jimmy Carter, Hobson Brown, the ’86 Celtics, and Teen Wolf (Bateman, not Fox). We’d play one downs for $1000 – whipsawed with $50 no possession in flight whip out hammers. At Lions National. Where it begins and ends.

The Lions Muni Golf Course, home of The Invitational. If you look closely, you can see the heavily camoflaged founders peeking out from behind that magnificent beast.
The Lions Muni Golf Course, home of The Invitational. If you look closely, you can see The heavily camoflaged Founders peeking out from behind that magnificent beast.

Happy Friday the 13th

Nothing like a good ‘ol Friday the 13th to kick off a long weekend filled with romance and dead presidents. Since we like you guys, we’ve put together a little survival guide if you find yourself in any horror-movie scenarios. Good luck out there.

1. DON’T GO SWIMMING IN LAKES.swim

 

2. STAY AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS.window

Really, this one is important.

friday3_window

For dudes, too.

Friday The 13th

And kids.

friday-the-13th-final-chapter-bottom

 

 

3. SAY NO TO CAMPING.

 

4. DON’T SPLIT UP.

friday_the_13th_1980_cast

 “Hey Kev, what do you say we split up and meet back at the lake?”  Bad Call.

 

5. DON’T RUN FROM THE KILLER.

 

6. IF YOU TRIP, GET UP AND RUN.

trip

 

7. TURN ON THE FRIGGIN’ LIGHT BEFORE YOU ENTER THE ROOM!

 

8. NO SHOWERING. 

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9. THIS ONE SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING, BUT STAY AWAY FROM THE DUDE IN THE MASK.

mask

Yeah. That one.

 

10. DON’T ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE, ESPECIALLY IF IT’S A NON-CORDLESS ONE FROM THE 1980s.

phoneWe know this is from a different movie.  Still not a good idea.

 

The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts, in No Particular Order

Ah, yes. Valentine’s Day: that one holiday that has no particular significance other than if you forget to give your significant other a gift, you’ll be in deep doo-doo.

We all know that gift-giving can be a hard and strenuous task, but try not to make it harder on yourself by getting him or her a bad gift. They do exist, and unfortunately for those of us doomed to an uncreative personality, it’s not always “the thought that counts.”

To help you out, we’ve compiled a short list of the V-day present pitfalls. Avoid gifting these at all costs, and if you receive one of these, it might be time to start setting up that E-Harmony account.

1. Puppy

muddy-puppy

Nothing says “I love you” like giving someone a creature that poops all over the house then stays with this person long after your relationship has ended, kindly serving as a constant reminder of love lost.   Style points added for naming the pup then handing “Parker” or “Lucy” or whomever to the lucky recipient.

2. Gym Membership

gym

It probably doesn’t help that you bought them a box of heart-shaped chocolates to go with it.

3. Tattoo of His or Her Name

tattoo

Right next to the tattoo of Ashley, and Mary…. And Stacey..

4. Nicolas Cage Pillow Case

niccage

“For Valentine’s Day this year, I got you nightmares.”

5. A Little Coat for a Fat Man

fat_guy

It’s just not going to work out.

6. Tom Brady’s Balls

deflated

Nothing like a couple of deflated balls to kill the romance.

8.   Green Spandex Suit

greensuit

No explanation necessary… hopefully.

Just for fun, imagine for a second that you gave this present to someone for Valentine’s Day.  What would you say when they opened it?

8. Dude Wipes

dudewipes

These probably would not go over well.

9. Smittens

smitten

Give “attached at the hip” an entirely new–and much more desperate–meaning.

10. Snuggie

snuggie

Nothing says, “our sex life sucks” like a pair of snuggies.

11.  A Puppy in a Snuggie

dogsnug

When we said this list was in “no particular order”, we lied. Because this is the worst and most disturbing Valentine’s Day gift, ever. Run, don’t walk away from this relationship. And don’t accept the gift.