Memorial Day has come and gone, people, which means that summer has unofficially started. Collective “Woo”! Not that that means much in my home of Central Texas, where the mercury’s already risen above 100. But for those of you who are just staring to shed those extra layers, I’d like to introduce you to a game-changing wardrobe secret this summer: The Performance Shirt.
So what, exactly, is the Criquet Performance Shirt? Well it has that exact same so-good-it-should-be-illegal design as our classic Players Shirt (pocket flap, long placket, collar stays) but it’s also got a few extra secrets in its fabric. The luxe Pima cotton gives it a super soft hand, and a touch of spandex let’s you stretch out a bit.
But ultimately, it’s with that little bit of sweat-wicking polyester that our guy earns his keep. “Don’t sweat it,” is the common wisdom. But with this bad boy, even if you DO sweat it, you’re golden, pony boy.
It’s THE MOST critical shirt for the summer months, but I’ll spell it out for all the non-believers. We all know that you don’t just sweat on the golf course—life gives you plenty of reasons to sweat.
Here are just a few examples of classic sweat-worthy situations:
1) You arrive at the bar on your Cancun resort vacation (hello tiny umbrellas!) and find exactly one stool left that’s only unoccupied because it’s in the full heat of the sun. That fake red leather on the cushion might as well be the hottest substance known to mankind. So what do you do? You park your butt down on that stool and order a ghost pepper tequila, dammit. And if some agro guy wants to start some sh*t, you let your caddie handle it of course (watch below).
2) You’re a caddie and you advise your player not to lay up and to go for the green, even though he has a 230 carry over water and there is a <2% chance of him pulling off the shot.
At this point, in my experience, you nod confidently, swig your beer, hold your breath, and don’t worry about your shirt betraying any sweat stains.
3) How about the meat sweats? Anyone? An incredibly important, yet mostly underrated problem. Especially in one of the many great BBQ cities of this country. I once did the 72 oz steak challenge up in Amarillo and pulled it off only because I was wearing my Bar Cart Red Performance Shirt.
4) First dates. And second dates, for that matter… Really actually just every date until you’re married. And then at that point I guess it’s just every time you hear your name called aloud.
5) In the desert…
I once took a prolonged three weeks of fraternity leave (yea, that’s right, I convinced them to give me a fraternity leave—but that’s another blog post entirely). I spent some time partying at the fraternities at U of Arizona and ASU. Pure madness. All ‘fun and games’.
Then, not long after that, I got involved with one of those non-affiliated fraternities, which I guess are just called cults, out in the Sonoran desert. It was all yammering and blood rituals. Drum circles.
Now I hate the desert.
Be the Ball, and help us put the “man” in performance.
The Criquet Caddie