Noonan at Noon



There’s a whole lotta hair out in the world these days. And that is a good thing.

I speak, of course, of the beard. The built-in face scarf. The universal symbol of man since man stepped into the universe.

                            On the first day, God already had a beard. And it was good.

The sheer beardage of Portland, Austin, Boulder, and Williamsburg alone would be enough to circle the Earth 2.64 times. This is a fact that is completely true if you ignore the fact that I totally made it up (still, look around, doesn’t it seem plausible?)

For many of us in our 30s, our beard is a way to relocate the follicles that are rapidly abandoning our scalps. Our whiskery visage has become a sign that, despite paying bills, overseeing tiny, wild humans with our womenfolk, and bringing home the metaphorical bacon – there’s a part of us that needs to feast upon actual bacon and to rock out to Neutral Milk Hotel when they come through town on the reunion tour.

When Ron Swanson isn’t rocking his man’s man moustache, he’s doubling up on kickass with a beard.

As our friends at the Beardly say: a man doesn’t grow a beard, a beard grows a man. And think on this, my friends: if growing a beard is wrong, why does your face constantly insist on one?

Your pursuit of all things hirsute deserves a toast, and the following libation has been carefully constructed to strengthen the roots of your burgeoning face forest. Much like a beard, it’s quite simple to make.

Take a glass (preferably the kind that goes tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! when you lightly flick it) and take a bottle of Lagavulin 16. Pour two fingers of Lagavulin into said glass. Hold it up to the light and thank all that’s good and holy for the fact that peat, grain and water can produce something so magnificent. (As for ice, let me posit this: do you put ketchup on a filet mignon? Do you draw a hat on the Mona Lisa? Do you play Frisbee with a Dark Side of the Moon lp? Do you make a fourth Indiana Jones movie?)


That is all.

Smoke and spice and awesomeness thrice – that’s what beards are made of. For those of you without, let your five o’ clock shadow free. For those of you with, keep letting your beardom flag fly.

Make God and Ron proud. And be the ball.